Silence is. Silence is debilitating. Silence in re-imagining each day having another human take control over you. Living with the memory, scared that your career will be affected. Scared that you will be put in that position again. Affecting your current life because there has been no opportunity to heal. Silence is. Silence is your right if that is how you want it to be but you deserve so much more than silence.
Recently there has been an amazing revolt against the silence. People coming forward and sharing their stories. It’s an awful, awful experience to have gone through and it is wonderful to see the masses supporting one another, finding strength together. I hope this reforms our cultural norms of what is considered okay in the work place and in society in general.
People who have experienced abuse in the entertainment industry are saying no more, the expectation of women to accept that level of behaviour is over. Cultures can change. What is also being brought to light is that it is all industries and it is making people more aware that they don’t have to put up with situations that they aren’t comfortable with or consenting to.
When I was seventeen I was put in to a situation that now I see as completely inappropriate. I hadn’t even thought of this moment as an abuse of power but being so young I was unaware that it was wrong. One of the senior nurses that I was working with, he would have been around thirty manipulated another girl who was nineteen and I to effectively fight for his attention. He knew what he was doing and he was asking us to do more and more with him. Fortunately I wised up before it went too far but he did not like it when I rejected him. One day after all of the staff left the staff room he cornered me in the bathroom, pushing himself on me, telling me that he knew that I wanted him. I was really scared. As my heart thumped it gave me strength to push him out-of-the-way and tell him to fuck off, I’m sure it was loud enough for someone to hear. He didn’t last much longer, I wonder if the manager or other staff knew but the other girl and I never spoke about it. No one said anything and he was left to move on to another medical facility to target another bunch of young girls. I can’t remember his name but I can see his face and still feel that sense of shame that I had afterwards that it was my fault. I was seventeen and even though I felt like a big grown up working in an adult world, emotionally I was fragile. I was unaware of my rights to feel comfortable in the work place and know that it is never okay to feel pressured in to any situation.
I realised I hadn’t even told my husband about this. It had become normal in my mind and I had accepted it. There are plenty of things in our lives that we shouldn’t just accept. It is empowering to know that hey, that probably shaped me negatively and maybe I should explore those feelings a bit. Oh therapy. I’ve got to get back on board, it’s been too long.
So my first full-time job at seventeen really didn’t give me a good start to my working life. Fortunately I haven’t come up against anything like that since. What it has taught me is to have open conversations with my children in the future about what consent is and that they are completely within their right to say no. Most importantly to talk about times that they have felt uncomfortable and for them to know they own their own bodies.
Hello magic eight ball, what will bring me eternal happiness and enlightenment?
Crickets, I hear them
I have had a challenging time of late and my coping mechanisms have been down.
I haven’t been sleeping and this has adversely made the whole of my world feel like it is falling apart.
It all sounds so dramatic. Last Tuesday I woke up to my beautiful babe lying next to me, reaching her little hand out to touch me and reaffirm that I was there. This melts me every time, Willow you are my number one littlest baby and it is a joy to wake up to you at this time. Every other time of the night not so much.
I heard some terrible news and then the day seemed to fall apart. Matisse went to town on making a hard morning harder and I crashed and burned. Eight months of broken sleep seemed to envelope my being. I didn’t think I could do it anymore. The tears wouldn’t stop and every time I thought about moving forward with my day I seemed to be dragged back in to negativity.
I called at least seven of my friends and family. Some of them I informed that I was struggling, others I just needed to hear their voices. It was my circle and something that magically made the looming negativity of the day float seamlessly away.
Sharing my story showed me that my feelings were universal. I am not alone and put simply there is nothing wrong with me, this is my minds way of telling me that I need to sleep more and that it is okay to feel overwhelmed. I really thought it was more, that I was losing my mind but it was fleeting and thankfully the hopelessness faded.
I am not in the least the worst off in the world. There are people living on far less sleep than me and coping or able to hide their feelings a lot better than me. I wondered why can’t I be like that? Truth is most people have their moments but it’s rare that those moments are talked about. Would you have guessed, I’m a talker!
Today I have gone and had 90 sweet, sweet minutes to myself. I got a massive chop and a bit of sparkle put back in to my eyes. I feel rejuvenated and ready to take on Father’s Day weekend, I mean he tries to claim a month but considering he has taken a long weekend I’ll give him the three days. We are off to the snow tomorrow (if there is any left) what are you guys up to?
I am dipping my toes back in the water and thought if I’m finding it hard staying on track then I should at least weigh in and let you know how I am going.
Things are getting better, my eye is clearing up and the rest of the family are down to snotty noses. That I can cope with.
I think I need a bit of a lifestyle change. Five hours of broken sleep a night is really not working for me. I keep banging on about going to bed earlier but it never happens. Before I know it I’m looking at 10pm then I get myself ready for bed Willow wakes for a feed and I’m hitting the pillow at 11. It’s something I’ve struggled with post babies, cherishing that me time of the evening a little too much. Now I’m actually losing my memory and all round motivation, I need to get strict on myself. Go to bed Kate! Dan is always saying this to me and of course I am naturally defiant. You’re not the boss of me!!! I’m such a grown up but if I actually start listening to my body and mind (totally losing it) then I should be a grown up and go to bed early. In no time at all, I feel like I’m dreaming here, Willow will give me a full nights sleep.
Loss this week: 200g
Loss so far: 13.4kg
Hello friends, this is not the end of the world.
I went and had a chat with a friend yesterday who is doing awesome and keeping it together diet wise in a difficult situation.
I was inspired, excited by the possibility of health and being on track towards my weight loss goals.
Then I went home and dug in to a block of chocolate.
What’s going on with me????
I’m not going to be too hard on myself because to be honest I’m having a fairly crap time coping with a fair whack of continuous broken sleep. But I’m also recognising that I’m riding a downward spiral that only ends with weight gain. Something I have been avoiding while I make myself ‘feel better’ about life through sugar. I wish I was there, I wish I could say ‘oh man! I was so tired so I just went for a run to rejuvenate myself’ I’m sure people do that. Don’t they????
So what am I doing?
I’m making sure I have healthy breakfasts. This morning it was cooked oats with soy milk, grated apple, cinnamon and Greek yoghurt. Delicious.
I’m saying no!!! To pizza. Menulog you were my main man in my time of need. There was no human contact or cash exchange. I mean the pizza was free right? But we are over it’s time to get the cook on.
Making it easy.
I’m not a food prepper and I’m not one to do a big weekly shop. Half week at best. Sometimes my ever ending trips to the supermarket get interrupted by the little ones. I always need a go to easy as recipe on hand.
Soup, vegetarian spagghetti bolognaise, spinach and riccota canneloni/pasta, salad plate, eggs on toast. Whatever is in the cupboard. Anything but pizza (unless it’s homemade).
I want to come back before it’s too late and I’m far too deep in to my gaining cycle. Being more self aware of my previous behaviour is helping me to get back on track to success.
No one ever said it was going to be easy.
July brought with it a feast of sickness topped with an eye infection for me.
Back to back anti biotics and a big dose of feeling so so has given my weight loss journey a back seat.
This is not me done yet! I have temporarily raised the white flag and given in to the desire to rest and heal.
I will be back soon I promise.
Weight loss for July: 600g
You are going to laugh, I sat through the whole documentary of the CrossFit World Games. I was interested in what goes on behind those incredibly fit bodies. Who are these people and how do they devote and focus so heavily on one thing, themselves. I’m not saying that is a bad thing either it is a true discipline. One that I lack.
It made me come up with a list of what I need to do to get to my goal weight. It’s very simple.
Combine this with doing the Mum thing (most of my time) housework, shopping (God my life sounds interesting) and socialising. There is little free time. That free time is when I actually combat all of those things on my list. The Mum thing I am consistent with 🙂
What I tend to do is get caught up. Tiredness sets in which leads me to watching too much TV, the Facebook sucks me in, the wheels start to fall off and things get messy. Then the stress sets in and I do a lot in a very small window of time. Speed cleaning, it’s magical.
This week I am prioritising my list over TV and The Facebook. I have been reading my book and the relaxation it brings me versus the screen is incredible. I want to make the little free time I have more beneficial.
Weight loss this week: 600g
Weight loss so far: 14.2kg
I’ve changed to Saturday weigh in as I found myself letting myself go on Friday’s.
The three words I spat out as I looked up at my husband while in the final stage of labour, we’ve got this. Next I know I’ve got our little Willow passed up to me, it was empowering, we have this.
I’VE GOT THIS!
Just before I pushed her out (sorry don’t go to any visuals) I kept having false starts. Pushing, pushing, pushing then I’d freak the feck out because I was afraid. I didn’t even have a Panadol in my system, the gas was out of reach and I sure as hell wasn’t willing or able to crawl to it at this stage. There was nothing between me and that pain, why did I do this to myself?
My amazing midwife lent down beside my head and said ‘I know you’re scared, it is going to hurt but you are only a matter of minutes away from meeting your beautiful baby’.
We’ve got this followed by something far more intense than I have ever felt in my life and she was there. In my arms crying away.
I am getting my reassuring voice ready because I need to take charge. There are 24 weeks left of the year, it wont be easy, possibly even painful but I need to think of all the amazing rewards at the end. Fitness, health, new clothes a new lease on life and more confidence.
I’VE GOT THIS
Weight loss this week: 200g
Weight loss so far: 13.6kg
My gorgeous friend called me out of the blue the other day. Isn’t it funny that most calls are out of the blue now, texting is way more convenient. Anyway she called me and said the most precious thing ‘ I was thinking about you, one of my colleagues has post natal depression and I was having a meeting with her and it made me wonder if you were okay?’ My body instantly went on the defense like does she think I’m not coping? Do I seem depressed? But she was just caring and I thought it was wonderful. ‘I am okay I reassured her, life is hectic and can be stressful but that is having kids’. Okay I may have blubbered on a bit (a lot) more than that.
Sometimes you might ask your friend and they might not be okay and that’s where you become very useful. You have been trusted in to the sanctum of their reality. We spend so much time pretending everything is all fine and dandy when really life is bloody hard. Even though it sucks and you feel like you are drowning it is okay to feel like you are not coping.
The last couple of weeks have been a continuation of pattern for me. It’s frustrating to acknowledge but something I need to confront because I don’t want to completely unravel.
In being kind to myself I am being unkind. I am at the peak of sleep deprivation and have stoppped exercising enough. I’ve also been chasing sugar and carbs like a woman possessed. I’m not winning and I had a terrible time dealing with the idea of hopping on the scales but it’s done now. I want to wrap myself up in a winter blanket and keep indulging because damn it! I feel I deserve it.
My goal far outweighs this tiredness. I need to find a way to keep myself in check and have a back up plan for that inevitable tired day when shopping and cooking seems too hard (most days). Prepping for the week seems impossible as finding a massive block of time that isn’t there doesn’t really work. This is where I’m falling apart. It all seems too hard.
My kindness to myself this week. The one variable I can control. My bedtime. Even though I want to watch my shows and relax a bit without the kids I think giving myself another hour before midnight will make a world of difference. So I shall add that on to reading a book which was my goal from last week. Trust me I’ll get there.
Weight gain this week: 200g
Weight loss so far: 13.4kg
What time do you go to bed/wake up?
Following on from my previous post I have come to the conclusion that I am a little bit lost. Okay, maybe a lot lost. Since having the girls I’ve changed and I’m not really sure what in to yet. Maybe a pumpkin? a carriage? Too much Cinderella.
Once upon a time life was all about Dan and I then all of a sudden it was all about Matisse and now Willow. Who we were, our lifestyle, gone. I’m not complaining, the girls mean the world to me and they bring me every bit of happiness. What I’m talking about is the happiness I give to myself.
What I do for me currently:
Focus on my health and fitness
Writing in this blog
Cooking (I’m starting to enjoy it!)
– I think I need more but time is a bit of an issue at the moment.
On Sunday I went clothes shopping. I couldn’t stand looking at my baggy jeans any longer so I picked up a few pairs of fitted jeans and a couple of tops. I want to feel good about how I look and whenever I looked in the mirror at those daggy baggy jeans I wasn’t seeing a positive reflection. It’s amazing how shopping for yourself can feel so good when you have been neglecting that aspect for so long. I felt as if any time I went shopping for myself in the past I’d come out with something for the girls.
My happiness focus this week is reading. I am going to read a WHOLE book. I’ve got to finish reading the one I’ve been reading for about four months first!
What do you do to make yourself happy?
Weight loss this week: 1Kg
Weight loss so far: 13.6Kg
It’s such a loaded heading but it’s something I’ve been deliberating on a fair bit.
The past year has brought on an era of change.
We have become a family of four and recently we relinquished our cherished apartment to another loving owner. Realistically it’s an investor who doesn’t give two hoots so that makes me a bit sad.
I met Dan when I was twenty two, just a baby and we committed right from the get go. When he left after our first date I knew I wanted him in my life. Later that year we moved in to our apartment and that was us for the next eight years.
It was little but it was ours and it’s where our love grew, where we challenged each other everyday, drank far too much wine and where I proposed.
We came home on our wedding night figuring why would we want to be anywhere else but our own little place where we grew as us.
One single, one double and a Masters degree were celebrated in Simpson Manor. Many late nights celebrating life, cementing forever friendships over just one more drink, long walks and bike rides followed by coffee and brunch.
Then our first pregnancy was confirmed.
Simpson Manor you will be our gem forever.
Where to now? We have become grown up with two beings relying on us. If I focus on what made us happy it might help to work out what happens next.
To be continued….