I could feel it happening. The way I saw my body. The way I felt and the negative self talk. Sabotage is taking over and it’s becoming a problem.
At the end of my last post I mentioned that when I near double figures I feel a shift mentally. And so becomes the struggle.
This morning I woke up feeling GRUMPY!, tired and heavy. It was more than just lack of sleep. I’ve deprived myself of endorphin’s. It’s almost like a magic pill is exercise. To give you that wonderful rush of naturally produced completely organic happiness through a little chemical called endorphin. My husband said to me this morning, ‘it’s not hard, run up the stairs, get the kettle bell out’ swing out some energy. If only it were that easy. I’m building a wall and I need to start knocking it down before it becomes impossible to get past.
I need to muddle through this mood and write down some short-term goals for myself. The numbers are breaking me but it is a life long habit to set myself free of. It’s all I’ve ever known. I have been fit, but measurements have never been a sole focus it has always been the numbers.
I’ve grown up with the scales, I don’t want my daughters doing the same. I want them to see their kindness beaming from the inside and their strength from the out. They will be fun and carefree, adventurous and have incredible self belief. Ideally they deserve happiness, whatever makes them happy. I have such a mish mash of songs going on in my head.
Well this little writing session has done me wonders. If I want all of this for the girls then I will be the one to model it. This is what I need to motivate me. I want health foremost and in doing that I will become a better example for my kids.
I need to put sabotage in the cupboard, lock it and throw it in the ocean.