I could feel it happening. The way I saw my body. The way I felt and the negative self talk. Sabotage is taking over and it’s becoming a problem.
At the end of my last post I mentioned that when I near double figures I feel a shift mentally. And so becomes the struggle.
This morning I woke up feeling GRUMPY!, tired and heavy. It was more than just lack of sleep. I’ve deprived myself of endorphin’s. It’s almost like a magic pill is exercise. To give you that wonderful rush of naturally produced completely organic happiness through a little chemical called endorphin. My husband said to me this morning, ‘it’s not hard, run up the stairs, get the kettle bell out’ swing out some energy. If only it were that easy. I’m building a wall and I need to start knocking it down before it becomes impossible to get past.
I need to muddle through this mood and write down some short-term goals for myself. The numbers are breaking me but it is a life long habit to set myself free of. It’s all I’ve ever known. I have been fit, but measurements have never been a sole focus it has always been the numbers.
I’ve grown up with the scales, I don’t want my daughters doing the same. I want them to see their kindness beaming from the inside and their strength from the out. They will be fun and carefree, adventurous and have incredible self belief. Ideally they deserve happiness, whatever makes them happy. I have such a mish mash of songs going on in my head.
Well this little writing session has done me wonders. If I want all of this for the girls then I will be the one to model it. This is what I need to motivate me. I want health foremost and in doing that I will become a better example for my kids.
I need to put sabotage in the cupboard, lock it and throw it in the ocean.
Carbs are not your friend. They definitely don’t fix any of the worlds problems that’s for sure
I’ve come to you in times of need. For the times my baby decided that she likes to feed A LOT and for that she needs me to be awake. You have been there.
Carbs, I’ve even come to you more than sugar of late. That should make you feel good about yourself. You have been my number one go to and you make eating so much easier. Pasta, rice, bread, rolls we’re over okay?
Love from a 900g heavier me
Tiredness set in this week and a love affair with carbs happened. It’s awesome to reflect on where I went wrong. Snacking was at an all time high. I discovered the TIFFXO chocolate crackle slice and may have indulged a little heavily in that along with Date Balls and dark chocolate. Healthy in moderation yes? Not so good as an aide to cope with life.
My exercise was moderate and in all honesty if I had fulfilled my promise of exercising daily I wouldn’t have gained the weight. I’ll get My measurements tonight and see how the gain reflects there.
I’ve been part of the TIFFXO program for free this month. I’ve been enjoying the online community, exercise and occasionally making some of the food.
June is going to see me taking part of TIFFXO again and committing to it. I’m a few months in and see the value of the program in keeping me on track.
Weight gain: 900g
Weight loss to date: 9.9Kg
Just a little bit of a killer taking me back under 10Kg. I’ll fill you in on a little secret. This is a pattern for me here. I find it hard mentally to get to double figures. Getting back on track with the program will get me there. I’m not going to let my mind win this one.
Well I weighed myself today. I did so well during the week and didn’t weigh myself once. That is huge for me having weighed myself daily like a silly goose. Last night I decided I needed to know where I was at. I struggle to see whether I am doing well or not. I could see my tummy changing but felt my diet and exercise regime wasn’t tight enough.
The unknown can send me down a bad path. This is evidenced by my lack of jumping on the scales in periods of massive gain.
So I weighed in a week early and boy am I glad I did.
Weight loss this week: ⬇️ 1.2Kg
Weight loss so far: 10.8Kg
Hips: ⬇️ .5cm
Waist: ⬇️ 2.5cm
Things I did this week:
Wore a Fitbit and aimed for 8,000 steps
Ate good nutritious food and plenty of it. We even went out for a lovely Mother’s Day lunch and I shared a dessert with Matisse. Totally ate most of it!
Had 1TBS Apple Cider Vinegar everyday
This is MY YEAR!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the gorgeous Mum’s of varying forms out there. I hope you have an incredible day.
For me it is a time to celebrate en masse the amazing privilege we have been lucky enough to enjoy, our kiddies.
Each day we are thankful to have these beautiful little beings in our lives. To see that learned action, cheeky smile, grown confidence or amazing kindness. It is there each day for us to enjoy as a Mum. Matisse is very big on telling us that she loves us at the moment and it is beautiful. Sometimes it’s because she is happy and wants to share the love, other times she has been naughty and it’s her way of saying sorry or smoothing things over. So I feel constant love and appreciation but Mother’s Day for me is special. Mostly because I get to ignore the hard bits and focus on the positive.
Waking Mum up with burnt toast, terribly strong coffee and a handmade gift. I understand. I can see my Mum’s bleary eyes waking up to this but her smile. I understand. She is seeing beauty and she is seeing love purely directed at her, no distractions as it’s her day and no matter what is brought to her at this time she knows. She is the most important person in the room right now.
Mum, I love you. I wish I could be serving you burnt toast this morning but I’m sure Dad will help me out there. You are the most important woman in my life and I thank you for everything you have done for me. Including the mass of washing you waded through on your last visit 😘 Even though I’m not there today I hope you feel my love beaming towards you. Happy Mother’s Day xx
This is the moment I became a Mum. I was going to edit the crap out of this pic but thought that it captured the 21hour labour perfectly. Pure joy mixed with absolutely physical devastation.
The past two weeks I have focused on exercise over food. It felt a little foreign for me to not obsess over what I was eating. I am conditioned to calorie count and fret over what goes in my mouth. It’s always been the same game and it hasn’t worked in the past, obviously.
I felt myself falling back in to old patterns so I shook it up a bit. Totally living on the edge. I’ve been doing some TIFFXO work outs and walking. As for the food I’ve been eating mostly good. Definitely no angel but I find when I’m exercising it makes me crave fresh healthy options.
I’ve had my moments. Gosh! the chia pudding!! Blurgh is one example but I’m a bit proud of myself I seem to be have a nice balance going on. I’ll be honest though. I feel like one big continuous stuff up as I find it hard to except that I’m succeeding.
I’m so close to hitting the 10Kg mark so it is hard to bid adieu to them damn scales but it’s time. So after today I will be stopping for two weeks. Sounds easy right?? Well this crazy kid has been weighing herself most days and well, it’s not entirely recommended I do that. Now I’m whipping out the tape measure. Say what? Yup I opened up that sewing box. Thanks Mum. I’m switching Kilos to centremetres.
I’m feeling nervous about the switch. I’ve not focused on measurement over weight before and worry I won’t see a change next week. Time to get that body moving and make use of the blue sky that has been lingering in Melbourne.
Weight loss this week: 1.2Kg
Weight loss so far: 9.6Kg
Hips: 135.5 Bust: 115 Waist: 103
When you make a ‘healthy’ dessert it pays not to eat all of it.
I’m talking chia pudding. Combine chia seeds, honey and coconut milk. Leave it in the fridge. Toast some coconut and sprinkle on top. It is divine!!! It’s also over 1,000 calories and makes you feel really sick if you eat all of it. I did over an evening and it brought back all the old feelings. I was feeling a mixture of self hate and doubted myself in this project. So of course this started a cascade of events. I didn’t get my 8,000 steps on Sunday and Monday. I was feeling crappy about myself and life got a little dark for a bit. I need to face it straight on and deal with it. I will not let my head derail my progress.
I analysed my behavior leading up to the chia pudding. The chia wasn’t the root of the problem. It had started over a day before.
Weigh in. I wasn’t happy.
I’m wanting more from myself. I did some good exercise and my food wasn’t too bad. In my mind I’m desiring big numbers. My expectation vs reality are completely different and I’m not processing it well. If I did everything on the TIFFXO program or even attempted to combine good food and exercise I would lose bigger numbers.
I believe losing weight at a slower rate is better for me long-term. Although getting those BOOM! losses are so motivational and deeply gratifying. I’ve done it super fast before. You can see where that left me. It didn’t stay off forever, that’s a hint.
What do the experts typically say:
Don’t get hung up on the numbers.
I have an absolutely terrible memory but if you ask me what I weighed when and how much I had lost it’s imprinted in the memory bank. Not exactly healthy and a tad obsessive.
This is all a process of detaching myself from the focus on my weight and more about how my health improves and seeing the change in my shape. I’m so far hung up on the numbers I don’t know if I could not weigh myself.
To change my habits and encourage a mental shift I am going to stop hopping on the scales and start taking measurements instead. This Friday I will have my last weigh in until the end of the month. Wish me luck, I think I’ll have to get Dan to hide the scales from me.
I’ve gone under my pre pregnancy weight. It is a decent amount of weight but I feel more excited about getting closer to double digits. I did this after Matisse was born but with the stress of not getting pregnant initially and generally being flat I ate my feelings. The kilos clocked quickly.
It almost seems like this milestone is a rebirthing of sorts. Now is where the real story begins.
You see I was well on my way when I started to seriously consider my health. I’d complain to friends about how awful I was feeling and get the exact response I would give ‘you’ve just had a baby, give it time’. It was when I was asking myself these questions that I thought the time had come
Should I really be eating another block of chocolate?
If I’m eating this much food and not putting on weight then surely I must be chewing through calories?
What is exercise? I’ve forgotten
Wait! I think I can see my feet
I was in overeaters heaven but I felt like crap and I was stiff and creaky. My body needed to be nourished and I was essentially torturing it by not moving and eating junk.
So I will celebrate the 20Kg by kissing my five month old. Thanks for giving me a new lease on life Willow. Now let’s move on to the next 20!
I’m counting my weight loss from where I started with you all as I had already dropped almost 12Kg at that stage. It’s nice to celebrate the difference in my body post baby but I’m so much more excited about hitting double digits again.
Weight loss this week: 800g
Weight loss so far: 8.4Kg
Just a little update on the Fitbit, it’s so yesterday’s news. I know most people have one but I like to take my time with these things. This one is totally borrowed as well so I haven’t even bitten the bullet to buy one. Try before you buy I suppose (Thanks Jacqui).
The sleep insight blew my mind. Last night I was ‘asleep’ for 7:45 and in that time 51mins of it I was awake with 6 actual wake ups and 13 restless periods. Golly, no wonder I can barely pull sentences together. Yes, sorry people that have to put up with my warble. That probably includes you. What will be interesting to see is if reaching the 8,000 steps influences how deeply I sleep. Who am I kidding? It’s completely dependent on Miss Willow but I’ll update you tomorrow.
I went for a walk to the park with a friend. It’s so nice to mix social with a bit of exercise and the kids get to have a run around too. It’s amazing how different my mental state is with a little exercise. I’m more awake, feeling positive and the activity has helped to wear Matisse out so less stress there too.
Today has been a positive day and a great start to the month. I’m really looking forward to challenging myself each day and moving towards my 10% goal.